My credentials for being hired by Apple are rock solid. I’ve used Apple products for nearly 20 years, own nearly every major product the company makes, and I have a critical eye for that sweet spot between usability and esthetic design.
That would seem to make me a good candidate for a product engineer or a creative director at Apple. So, why won’t Apple hire me?
Or, rather, the lack of celebrity status. Or, the complete lack of celebrity, name recognition, and the ability to generate PR just by using my name. You know, the way Alicia Keys, Lady Gaga, will.i.am, and Ashton Kutcher have generated such great buzz for BlackBerry, Polaroid, Intel, and Lenovo, respectively.
What? Didn’t you hear?
Singer songwriter Alicia Keys was hired by BlackBerry a year or two or three ago (time flies by so quickly when no one pays attention to you) as creative director, a gig that barely lasted 12 months, and even then it makes you wonder what impact the woman had on BlackBerry’s fortunes which remain mostly unfortunate.
There is plenty of precedent for companies that don’t know what they hell they are doing to add celebrities to their staff; usually in a fit of obvious desperation to generate a little PR buzz. In addition to Keys and BlackBerry, Lada Gaga was creative director for Polaroid. will.i.am was director of creative innovation at Intel. The latest is Ashton Kutcher, the actor from Demi Moore fame, who became a product engineer at computer giant Lenovo.
The way I see it, and based upon my astute analysis of celebrity hires by technology companies, there are only two obstacles to prevent yours truly from showing up as Apple’s next creative engineer.
The first obstacle I face is name recognition. I don’t have any. Or, at least no name recognition to match Keys, Gaga, will.i.am, or Kutcher. Maybe if word got out that Tim Cook reads my blog, or that I once dated Jonny Ive and the guy won’t stop calling me, I could overcome this name recognition issue.
The second obstacle I face is more obvious. Apple is not a company that is desperate to get attention or a little PR on the cheap (as if Antennagate, Mapsgate, Bendgate, and Hairgate were not enough). Unlike BlackBerry, Polaroid, Intel, and Lenovo, Apple knows what the hell it is doing and doesn’t need a celebrity to shill the company’s wares.
Well, other than Bono.