Translation of Apple’s Rotten Response

From Newsweek’s Daniel Lyons (Fake Steve):

Apple called a small group of hand-picked journalists to the event to address mounting concerns about the antenna design in its new iPhone 4.

I wasn’t picked. Why not?

The problem is that because the phone’s antenna is embedded in its frame, your hand touches the antenna when you make a call. That can interfere with reception, to the point that in some cases calls get dropped.

That’s like every smart phone but there’s no story in that.

Apple CEO Steve Jobs came up with a two-part solution. Part 1: There is no problem. Part 2: Even though there is no problem, we’re going to give everyone a free case, which should insulate the antenna and prevent the interference that we just told you isn’t actually occurring.

I have to twist the truth because Newsweek pays me by the word now, and, you know, nobody reads the truth anymore.

But if you’re still not happy, you can give back the phone for a full refund. Jobs’s snotty tone made it clear that he was pretty fed up with all the whining about a problem that he says doesn’t exist.

His snotty tone is better than my snotty tone and I know about snotty tone.

By refusing to acknowledge the problem, Jobs just reinforced the image of Apple as a company that is in deep denial and unable to admit a mistake—a company that has for so long been able to bend reality to suit its needs that it now has lost touch with reality itself.

Twisting the truth is what I do. Deal with it. Besides, I’m really pissed that my cancelled TV show about Fake Steve won’t make me a celebrity.

Apple is so arrogant that it still won’t admit the obvious truth—that the design of the phone itself is the problem.

It doesn’t matter that iPhone 4 doesn’t drop calls, looks great, has better overall reception, and that customers prefer it over any other phone.

Jobs also said all other mobile phones suffer the same problems when you hold them in certain ways, and that “it’s a challenge to the entire industry.”

Sure, that’s true. But where’s the story in that? It’s far more efficient for writers to make up facts than to dig up facts.

That’s ridiculous. It’s absurd.

See? Making up counterclaims is easy, more efficient, and I don’t have to support it with any claims despite countless videos that demonstrate Apple is correct.

The real issue here is how the product is perceived. If you need to put a rubber case on a phone to make it work correctly, there must be something wrong with it, don’t you think?

I can’t believe people still buy the iPhone 4 after all the distortions, lies, half-truths, and slander I’ve flung against Apple.

Jobs clearly doesn’t. He seems scornful of customers who have complained. Toward the end of the news conference, he blamed the media for blowing the problem out of proportion.

We blew it out of proportion. Customers now know better. Damn those customers. Damn those facts. Damn reality. Damn you all to hell.